List of Life Lessons, Which Eventually Turned Into Soliloquy of My Inner Chunky Monkey

Life lessons I’ve learned as of late:

  • It’s totally inappropriate to talk about how great your life is and rain on somebody’s pity party – come armed with commiserations only. And wine. Always bring the wine.
  • The best way to empty the dishwasher is to use it as your dish cupboard until it’s empty again.
  • There are only three actual weather forecasts in Portland: Rainy, Very Rainy, and Torrential Downpour. The addition of “with a chance of rain” to anything is a blatant lie, and actually means good old fashioned rainy.
  • The blueberry muffin you get at the downstairs hospital cafe may harbor 72% of your daily advised daily cholesterol intake. Lesson? Do not check nutrition facts. Ever.
  • When your closet breaks due to an abundance of clothing, it’s time to get a bigger closet.
  • If you’re in the mood for pizza, but only have gluten free flat bread, pasta sauce, muenster cheese, and a muffin pan – it turns out mostly edible. Mostly.
  • ALWAYS loiter in the break room. You never know when you’ll be audience to an infomercial worthy demonstration of the doctor’s portable espresso maker kept handy in his man purse.
  • When your puppy makes puppy eyes at you and acts like you starve her, don’t give in. She’s already had breakfast, lunch, supper, and dinner.
  • Do not ever cry at the hospital. Even if it’s just a single pathetic tear. Everybody tells everybody, and pretty soon you’re known as the crier.
  • When you ask a patient if they’ve experienced constipation or diarrhea, and they answer both – settle in and gets snacks, you’re in for a very long and very detailed narrative.
  • If you can’t eat donuts, because they will cause anaphylaxis, but have poor self control – order a coffee from Krispy Kreme, and the cup smells like DONUTS. I wish I could have a donut air freshener for my car?
  • If you write a blog when you’re starving, and it subconsciously becomes all about comfort food, and then everyone who reads in thinks you’re a total hefer? It’s okay. There are worse things in life to be. OM NOM NOM NOM.

OM NOM NOM

You’re welcome for such lovely kernels of wisdom. Happy Thursday.

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