Definitions, Shmefinitions.

People keep asking me who I am. And I’m at the point in my life, where I should know. I mean, that’s why we go to college, right? To drink terrible tasting PBR, learn how to cook dinner without lighting the house on fire, and figure out who we are? Tens of thousands of dollars well spent.

Perhaps I need a refund.

You see, the truth is that I have no idea who I am. It seems like such a simple question, and following suit, should yield a fairly simple answer. And yet, the summation of ourselves as a whole is a tangled mess of past, present, and future versions of essentially….another mess. It’s a mess of a mess.

(The other truth is that the fire alarm still goes off everytime I try to cook anything, so really, college has failed me on a multitude of levels. Although, my liver now knows to hate PBR on sight.)

Anyhow, this is the kind of information that most people only think they want the answer to, when in fact, they’re looking for some generic, Miss America Pageant speech: “My name is Mary Beth, and I enjoy long walks on the beach, and want nothing more than world peace.”

So, in my endeavor to make my college education a worthwhile experience, I’m trying to figure out how to define myself. And while I don’t have the big answers, and I don’t enjoy long walks on the beach, and I think world peace is both overrated and unrealistic, I thought of a list of admittedly superfluous, occasionally embarrassing, thoroughly thought out pieces of who I am.

-My own personal food pyramid would consist of peanut butter, pickles, and asian food.

-I am an EPIC spoons player.

-I want to adopt two children.

-My biggest life goals are to cuddle a baby panda bear, and make up a popsicle stick joke.

-I wanted really badly to be a ballerina, but God gave me completely inflexible hamstrings, so now I play ballet music on the piano.

-God also gave me huge quads and a tank of an ass, so I enjoy knocking people over on the soccer field.

-I’m afraid of germs, but my happiest place is working in the hospital.

-I’m afraid of death/loss/abandonment, but my happiest place is working in the hospital.

-I think I was meant to be a wedding planner.

-I like people who bring me snacks and give me bear hugs.

-I love clever people and terribly lame jokes.

-”The Count of Monte Cristo” is the best underdog story ever written.

-I drive like a grandma, but listen to gangster music in the car. It’s very confusing for people.

-I was raised Catholic, but I’m intent on learning about as many religions as possible, which I think may be considered sacrilegious due to the whole No Double Dipping Policy.

-I love, love, love, love, love puppies.

-I think too much. I sleep too little.

-I love the sunshine, and hate the soggy weather.

-It’s hard for me to sleep alone. Which is why I got a 60 lb puppy that likes sleeping right on top of me.

-My family will always come first.

-I want to live in Spain indefinitely.

And…….that was exhausting. I think I’ve met my quota for the month.


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