In fifth grade, I had a major growth spurt, making me awkward and tall and very, very accident prone.
I’d come home from soccer games with scrapes all over my knees. Because I kicked ass? No. Because I fell over all by myself while everyone was on the other side of the field….including the ball.
And so ensued the years of ungraceful height, in which I believed that embarrassing moments were happening to me merely due to stature.
But then an interesting thing happened. I stopped growing. But the awkward moments did not.
In seventh grade, my best friend’s grandma caught us trying to buy our first thongs in the department store.
In eighth grade, I refused to wear anything besides boys basketball clothes, only to sit next to my crush in prime reading one morning, and realize we had on the same outfit.
In ninth grade, my darling mother drove into the school bus.
As a college freshman, I fainted in the shower, and was carried out of the dorm on a gurney….NAKED.
As a sophomore working in a military hospital, I forgot what acetaminophen is. Aceta-freakin-minophen! Gosh.
Basically, the FML website could have been written entirely from moments in my life.
And thus, I came to accept the fact that if anything embarrassing, awkward, or ridiculous was going to happen, it would happen to me. Without fail. Every time. It’s physics.
And thus from my previous and thus, I came to develop an excellent sense of self deprecating humor.
These days I act like this is to keep me humble (a gift I truly and deeply wish I could bestow on the egotistical, snobby maniacs out there), but really it’s just a coping mechanism for how completely, exhaustingly epic my life is.
So here’s my week in terms of Marisa Moments:
- Driving to work Monday morning wondering if I’m failing at life, only to realize that I LITERALLY live on the corner of Failing St. Fate is so cruel.
- On the same drive, realizing that not only is Planned Parenthood just a block away for the occasional whoopsie, but so is Purrington’s, a cat lounge and cafe in case I own so many cats that I never need Planned Parenthood. By the way, the kitty lounge is in no way as scandalous with a capital, scarlet S as it sounds.
- Realizing that for the last three years I misspelled the word “role” on my curriculum vitae as “roll.” Like a dinner roll. I am appalled at myself.
- Asking out loud how phoenixes are born, only to be told they are not real animals, which I had previously assumed due to their presence in Harry Potter. Also, why did I think Harry Potter was a credible source for real animals? At this point, I buried my head between the couch cushions in shame.
- Still believing that people can change for the better, and handing out second chances like candy. Silly Rabbit, tricks are for kids.
- Trying to go on a run, but getting a side ache halfway down the driveway.
- Falling asleep butt up in jean shorts on the beach for four hours, and waking up with second degree burns all down my legs so dark that I could probably walk around pant-less, and it would just look like I’m wearing nude colored shorts.
- Trying to open the secret trap door in the floor of a bar only to be scolded by the bartender.
- Going back and trying to open the secret trap door when the bartender wasn’t looking.
There were others, but I can only take so much humility at once.
Also, this week I bring to you three fun facts that you never wanted to know, and will most likely do you no good in life for knowing:
- While in humans, a condition called elliptocytosis can cause splenomegaly and complications of such, it is normal in camels, alpacas, and llamas.
- Craniopharyngiomas stem from the same cell clusters that make teeth, and therefore can have teeth-like calcium deposits present within the tumor. Just like on My Big Fat Greek Wedding!
- Jellyfish are made of 95% water, and therefore evaporate when they die. Poof!
ALSO, also, this week’s musical recommendation if you’re looking for a delicious little ear snack is:
- Under the Booty: Little Mermaid ft Bubba Sparxxx
Happy Sunday 🙂